Out of the Depths

inspired by Psalm 51
and the book of Job
Deborah Beach Giordano
© February 21, 2013

Merciful God,
I feel scrufty, musty, sticky, stuck,
edgy, antsy, tense, troubled …
an all-over sense
of grit and grime
like sand in my shoes
except it’s in my soul;

or a mosquito bite
in the very center
of my back
right between
my shoulder blades –
that makes me squirm
and twitch;

I sit up nights
recounting
wrongs
and wondering
if the bad in others
weighs against
the bad in me,

I’ve been sinned against
and I’ve got proof:
deeds and documents,
evidence
of victimhood
to absolve myself
of any blame

whatever I’ve done
is justified
far worse
has been done
far more often –
and it’s happened
to me.

So I’m in the clear
by comparison;
my conscience
should be quiet,
my soul
sparkling clean
and bright shiny white.

Except ..
for that infernal itching,
the grating irritability
that makes me snap
and snarl:
who do you think
you are?

How dare they
continue on
with life –
laughing and joking,
playful and merry,
loving
and being loved.

How dare they
dare
to fall in love,
and risk
revealing
who they are
to another?

It’s a secret
never to be shared;
kept hidden
in darkness
as deep
as a cavern
under the sea.

Out of the depths
I cry to You,
a silent prayer
through sealed lips
and clenched teeth;
holding tightly
for control.

Wash away
my unbearable pain,
transform
my grievous irritation
into a hope-filled waiting;
let me be for You
a pearl of great price.

Make me Yours utterly
open my heart, fully:
inflame me
with Your love
and let it flow
warmly
throughout my soul;

infuse my sorrowing spirit
with Your healing grace,
strengthen my weary bones
with the holy courage
You alone can give,
illuminate my understanding
that I may live again.

Open my ears
to those sweet songs
and tender whispers
of joy and gladness
I used to hear
so readily
so many years ago.

Open my eyes, Lord,
to greening branches,
to preening robins
and blooming roses;
help me to see
those blessed signs
of the Promise that you gave.

Help me to stand, O Redeemer,
to find my footing
and not to slip,
let me arise
from the shadows
so I may dance
in Your light.

Amen.

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About inklingscommunity

I am a struggling Christian, committed pacifist, near-obsessive recycler, incurable animal lover, inveterate tree-hugger; a nature mystic, a socialized introvert, an advocate for the vulnerable, an opponent of exploiters.
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